Last week Jonathan woke up with a startled panic. He had slept through his 5am alarm and only had 5 minutes to get ready before had to leave our apt at 5:45. This may surprise you, but he has never slept through his alarm in the past 6 years we’ve been together.
Being late was not an option for him. So his only option was to bolt out of the house with no breakfast or lunch. Unfortunately, he had 85 patients to see that day so eating breakfast or lunch in the hospital cafeteria would be like trying to buy a Tickle Me Elmo at Christmas in ‘97.
I feel terrible admitting this, but my first reaction was, “He’ll figure it out, I need to sleep. If I get up and help him out, I’ll be enabling him and he’ll start to expect me to make his breakfast and lunch everyday and I will NOT be a housewife, damnit!”
I wish I was the only young woman who had this reaction, but I’ve talked to many of my clients about this fear of “losing ourselves” in our relationship and becoming more like our partner’s maid than his wife. The issue is that we’re so preoccupied with being taken advantage of, that we stop being a caring person (tweet it?).
I am so grateful for the women who fought for our equality, and I also want to be conscious of where the feminist expectation can be misunderstood.
So let’s find the difference between supporter vs. enabler, care-giver vs. servant, choice vs. obligation.
At 5:40 I got over my inner bra-burner’s tantrum, rapidly made Jonathan a green smoothie (love that I got him hooked on the liquid lawn) and threw some lunch in a tupperware just in time for him to rush out the door. I believe there was also a “Go Team Brajtbord!” and some solid high-fives through out our five minute scramble.
Jonathan was incredibly grateful, but most importantly it made me feel good to be there for him. I’m a natural nurturer, most of us are, and there’s nothing wrong or anti-feminist about that.
In the comments below I want to hear about how you walk the line between nurturer vs. being taken advantage of. Do you find yourself deliberately holding back so you don’t give him the wrong idea? Do you ever feel guilty for being domestic? What’s your secret to embracing your feminity?
This is a hot topic and I don’t want you to hold back 
xo
Sarah
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Sarah,
First, I love your blog entries.
I used to consider myself the ultimate feminist. I was a go-to-woman; engaged in tom-boy like activites, participated in events that were traditionally considered more “male-dominated” like politics. I didn’t meet my fiance until after I was 30, had established myself in a professional career (male-dominated of course), had managed a house, and was a leader for several community projects. Over time, I have found being the ulimate feminist tiring; being up in arms all the time is more exhausting than doing something nice or passively letting people make the occassional mistakes – hey we’re all human.
My fiance calls us “Team Love” and tells me that there is no scorekeeping.
Karen, I love this, especially. “being up in arms all the time is more exhausting than doing something nice or passively letting people make the occassional mistakes” So well said!
i used get upset with my sister when she made her husband food all the time. i always asked her why he couldn’t make his own food- he’s a big boy! Now that I’m in a relationship, living with my partner, I make him breakfast each morning and dinner for us both and i love doing it. he would never eat breakfast if i didn’t make him something. he never asks for it, but he is so appreciative when i bring it out to him. i do it from love and wanting to make sure he is nourished and off to a good start. i definitely don’t feel guilty for being domestic, i actually really like it and i know he appreciates it. like many of us, i’m a nurturer and preparing healthy meals is one of the ways i express it. your blog post just make me realize that i should apologize to my sis for judging her and her man back then!
Ooo Lymore, I love that you can nurture so freely in this area. Amazing. And pumped that you’re gonna chat about this with your sis:) I bet the convo will shift something… let me know!
Hi Sarah, I believe it’s a two way thing, my fiancé and I help eachother whenever we need the extra help. We believe it’s not who does what it’s the love that we have for eachother that makes us take care of one another . When I’m late for work he wakes up and gets my food ready or he will just wake up to see if I need anything . Its not about being feminist it’s about caring and loving your partner
YES! So true.
Growing up I watched my parents marriage and knew I never wanted to serve my husband like my mother served my father. This is the root of my feminism. I struggled with this resistance to nurturing and serving my partner through several relationships. It wasn’t until I met my current boyfriend that I become comfortable and even looked forward to doing things for him. He approached our relationship from the beginning as a team effort, everything from communication to taking out the trash. We make sure to verbally appreciate each other’s contributions and it that makes all the difference. I used to have the same thought as Sarah, do it once and you will never stop doing it. I know now that isn’t the case and love the idea of doing things for us, because that is what I am doing when I do something for him.
Hi Sarah,
First of all, I am really dissappointed by your title “The Curse of Feminism.” Feminism is not a curse at all. It was, and still is, a much needed point of view that has given women and men all over the world the freedom to fight for self-expression and not be limited by suffocating, repressive and violence-producing strict gender roles. Please also do not forget the rights we have as women in the U.S. and in Europe are considered ridiculous by cultures all over the world that still force women to stay in the home, deny girls education and punish girls and women through murder and rape for breaking laws created by misogynist men. I am a proud feminist and a professor of sociology and I hear sentiments like this all the time. Young women are buying into the feminist backlash and you all are missing the point. Feminism is not about making yourself more important than others, feminism in a broad sense is humanism. It is a value system that insists all human beings have value and are of equal worth and significance. As partners to men (please also don’t assume this includes all women), I believe our focus should not be worrying if we cook too little or too much or if we sacrifice too little or too much in our relationships, rather we should be empowering and challenging our fathers, brothers, colleagues and lovers to embrace their own gender expression and not be judged by the organ between their legs as we have been for thousands of years. Every time I see a mother scold her son for crying when he is hurt, I cry out on the inside. As mothers, we are teaching our boys that any expression deemed “feminine” is bad! If we all were collectively more “feminine” the world would be a much healthier and loving place!! Feminism cannot be about women vs. men anymore… we have all grown past that… it has to be about empowering each other to create a society that allows for all types of gender expression and upholds the traditional “feminine” values of caring for others, acceptance, forgiveness, education, freedom from violence, creativity and joy.
Jessica, I am in complete agreement with you. I love what you said here, “Feminism cannot be about women vs. men anymore… we have all grown past that… it has to be about empowering each other to create a society that allows for all types of gender expression and upholds the traditional “feminine” values of caring for others, acceptance, forgiveness, education, freedom from violence, creativity and joy.” I couldn’t agree more.
When I said the curse of feminism I was referring to the *misunderstanding* of the feminist values. I LOVE that you are setting the record straight here and in your work.
Jennifer, I love that you have been able to soften into your natural nurturer. Sometimes we can react to our parents to a fault, only to realize down the line that they were onto something:) I love how you point out that doing things for him is doing things for us. Amazing point.
Great post mama. I totally can relate on the opposite side of the spectrum. Natural woman instincts+ Latina = lots of giving and giving. Love it and now learning the opposite end receiving without guilt. I feel lots of untapped pleasure in that zone of exploration either way and especially depending on which side you have been giving more love to. I guess
Being freed to either.
Oh Christine, RECEIVING! Such a great topic. Another huge part of femininity that most women don’t embrace. I too have been working on that and find that the more I relax into it, the more empowered I feel in all areas of my life.
Sarah, It’s so appropriate to be reading this right now. My boyfriend of several years just had back surgery and the poor guy will need help doing things for while. He is being great and trying not to bother me too much, but some stuff he can’t do and I am HAPPY to help because I love him. But I am not gonna lie, I had this PANG of, “OMG what am I doing?” when I found myself sitting on the floor in front of him putting on his socks and shoes. (He had been wearing flip flops, but the Dr. suggested that sneakers will give him more support.) And again, for this reason I am happy to do it. But my gut reaction was feeling like this kind of “servant” who has a lowly job. Of course that is NOT at all what I think, but the reaction I think stems from the idea that women don’t do things like that for their men anymore. After 2 seconds I got over it because I understand it is because he needs HELP and I am his partner
Erica, so glad this was a good reminder for you. Isn’t it so funny how small parts of our brain can get re-wired without us realizing it? I hope your bf has a speedy recovery, and enjoy taken care of him, he’s very lucky to have you!
Sarah,
This is absolutely awesome! Your posts are always straight-to-the-heart, insightful, and funny!
I am a total domestic diva; I love to cook, clean, arrange flowers, garden, sew…and on it goes.
In my marriage, I didn’t always have a “Team Us” attitude. I wanted all the chores to be split 50/50, then would be frustrated and resentful when things didn’t happen when and how I thought they should. I pulled back from being the domestic goddess I enjoy being, because I felt it wasn’t “fair” for me to give so much.
Well, I’m divorced now, and in an amazing new relationship. And you know what? I still do most of the “house stuff”…but this time, I do it because I love it. I do it because it is really pleasurable and fun for me. And if it’s not fun and pleasurable to some women, that’s okay! The key, as I’ve discovered, is that when we do what is enjoyable and pleasurable to us, it’s often of service to others as well
Go Team Brajtbord!
xo
Nisha
I hate cooking because I hate going food shopping because I hate spending money, haha. My fiance and I have such different schedules, and because I work overnight I am always home to make dinner for when he comes home after work. Occasionally I don’t make dinner because I don’t feel like it, and maybe it’s a bit of a protest because I feel like I do all the cooking and cleaning, and he never says “thank you.” He doesn’t complain when I don’t make dinner though, and he is always willing to help when I need it (and he’s home). I think for the most part we are pretty equal, and we make a good team.
If I do something out of love I WANT to do that.I know that the other person wants that too. for me.There is no need to consider who does the most or gives most.I know the love is real,so then why should I mess it up with ideas that not belongs to me or this situation?
Wow, this post hit home for me, and I love everyone’s comments and personal accounts. It’s amazing how, gradually over time, we can sort of lose ourselves in a relationship. It’s like we get absorbed by the other person. I too was in a long relationship with someone who had gradually declining physical health (serious back problems.) I bent over backwards to make his life as comfortable as I could, not realizing that both of our personalities were changing over the formative years of our early-to-mid twenties. While I tried and tried to stay positive, I found I was being the only cheerleader for his situation, researching potential alternative therapies, encouraging socialization, etc. He grew isolated, pessimistic, paranoid, and manipulative. He would say “You’ll leave me, you won’t want to keep doing this” and I would argue back “No, I am stronger than that, I can handle it.” It was a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. Stay together to prove my strength while I was unhappy and losing my self? Or leave a relationship with someone I couldn’t even recognize from when we started dating? I was overextended, unhappy, didn’t have time or energy to be creative, which I love, and couldn’t imagine a future where I was carrying so much weight of the relationship in terms of finances, housework, keeping track of bills, everything. I chose me, and have had more happiness in my life since that moment than ever before.
I realized that I was trying to force something that wasn’t happening naturally. Everything was unbalanced and it had felt wrong to me for some time. I just hadn’t wanted to admit it. I am now in a relationship that I truly believe has gotten better every single day (for 2 years!). When I find myself reverting to doing all the chores or dishes, sometimes I have to consciously stop and remind myself that I don’t need to take care of this person, and he doesn’t want me to. Don’t get me wrong, we help eachother in any time of need, illness, whatever, but it’s more out of love and respect, never obligation or manipulation. I learned to stay COMPLETELY honest (with myself first and foremost) and life starts falling into place much more desirably. Sorry this is so long, didn’t mean to rant!
I so love this Sar! And I have struggled with this a lot in past relationships. I completely get what Nisha is saying about holding back and feeling resentful because things aren’t done the way you want them to be, and learning how to do what makes you feel happy and find a balance. Love you and J-dawg!!
Love,
Nitika Chopra